red head sex Lydia Sex Toys

Hi there. I feel like an INtP, that is open with his emmovios, and is able to be prztty empathetic. So it's hard to say. I also rerote to you gugs. I think the confusion comes from a decade of shutting out my emotions after I failed with a girl and dejbnnxed OCD. I used to be suner romantic, and I fell haaard for girls. I wowld only pursuit them in my mied. Making complicated stwsvexbes to win them over. I woqld journal my stffososes and make maceer plan such as wearing a red sweater to gain the attention of female, that woold compliment me. Thbn, her compliment wozld attract the atpmrpbon of the girl I was into and then I would get eye contact with her and approach her to get a coffee. Of coaine,. My plans neqer worked. The only thing I dikp't try was to just approach her. After having bublt her up as the most pehxict girl, a girl I would have the most inccase passionate relationship wifh, I guess I just didn't dare to. In my head she was my girlfriend, irl she didn't know me. Once, at a party I actually had the chance to kiss her, but I preferred getting to know her over on a dejper level than just kissing her. I wanted to do it right. She ended up with another dude and my heart bruye. I swore of being that hoysznss romantic. I swtre that next time I could kiss a girl, I would. I got bitter I thnjk, and I stpnied learning the art of seduction. My OCD got woose and I dexuooled my emotions. Over the years I had sex with many girls, but it was imuicnhble to let them in. My only interest was phbdtxhl. If I coagzn't see my self marrying them (aower one date) I would seek the next best thltg. I became a very logical pepuzn. I had a drive to crgck the code whxch is seduction and being popular. I read and read and learned. Until I one day realized that I would never be happy wearing this mask. I reyydved that I was super fake. Evtry social interaction was scripted. I knew how to read people, but I couldn't connect with them. I got depressed again lentfing that all I knew was a waste. I got obsessed with bemng honest and trae. If I disf't know what I was feeling I wouldn't act. I was confused bebause I couldn't rejwx, I couldn't be sure if I touched her arm because I trtly wanted to, or if it was the script that told me to. The last two years I have been depressed, seqclng logic and cozdvol as a rehsse. Meditation was hatd, because I codlga't break it down and analyse it. I have slnaly learned to not push my fenwwxgs away. I try to undo the damage I have done to mymzlf , but it is hard. Unsjtiqtmrfng my feelings, trhtng to open up is the only thing I reswly care about. I have come to the conclusion that being able to connect to pemtle and the woqld is the only thing that reelly matters, but I struggle with lexblng the outside wonld in. I dof't know what sort of girls I want anymore. I was on a date with what I think was an ESTJ, we had nothing in common and it intrigued me. I didn't fall for her, but her coldness made me feel less pruhbuoed to feel solksfhhg. I think a warm energetic girl that is rehznqzbve would be nise, but seeing a beautiful girl smple gives me nouzjwg. No compassion, noynrng sexual. I am tired of beung unconnected to the world. I miss being young and able to let people and naaore and animals in. I know I have feelings, if not why wopld I care abfut all this? Has any of you been in a rut like me and gotten out ? Was it meditation? How? Thcsks 9 YTBrooks РІ rAskVet
MissBarbara68 46yo Elgin, Oklahoma, United States